Feeling a Little Saucy...

Last week: I tasted HP Guiness

I have just returned to Belgium after a much-needed week off work, giving me the opportunity to fly to Liverpool and spend a rather splendid week celebrating a friend's wedding, attending a surprise 60th birthday party thrown for my Aunty and, most importantly, spending some quality time with my nearest and dearest. As is customary on these visits back home, I consumed far more than I should have; bacon butties every morning, real British ales in the delightful Turk's Head and Dad’s delicious curries, not forgetting the essential St Helens delicacy - pasties. More than ever, the streets of St Helens are now paved with budget shops galore: Poundland, Home Bargains and a plethora of 99p shops (rumour has it, there is a 98p shop in Burnley). You can now even visit Poundbakery where you can choose any two pies/pasties from the myriad of flavours in return for handing over just a quid. The woman in front of me in the queue was buying eight items - hopefully to feed a family of four, although, judging buy her frame and complexion, I suspect that this was just a light snack in between bargain hunting. I hasten to add that the thrifty price leads to no loss in quality - I had the tastiest Chicken Korma pasty known to man.

I am like a kid in a toy shop when I'm in a UK supermarket. Although I consider Belgian food among the finest in the world, the Belgians score nulle points when it comes to convenience food and anything you can buy in a packet/wrapped in plastic is either overly expensive or just down right revolting. In UK shops I am instantly drawn towards anything bearing the beaming face of Ainsley Harriott or brandished with a sticker proclaiming 'Just add water'. Whilst quality is high on the agenda in Belgian supermarkets, variety often takes a back seat. A recent nationwide competition to invent the most creative flavour for potato chips inspired 'Indian Curry' crisps which have adorned shop shelves back in England since most of us were in short pants.

The highlight of this latest visit was to be found on the condiment shelf in Asda. Sporting a big red half price sticker, amongst a collection of at least 57 other glass or squeezy bottles was the novelty item that is HP Guiness. I am not a lover of Brown Sauce. In fact, I don't really know what it is. Have you ever tried explaining HP Sauce to a Belgian? Good luck with that. Powerless to resist the cut-price offer, my Mum bought a big bottle of this new variety and, the morning after the night before, it appeared in front of me as I grappled with my sausage on toast. With that familiar squelch, my sausages were soon decorated with the stuff. Suddenly my breakfast had all the hearty qualities of a Steak and Ale pie and I was drooling and squeezing on more sauce. Mmmmmm.

Would I try this again?: I am kicking myself that I didn't go back to Asda for a bottle to bring back with me.

My Top 5 Sauces:

 1. Heinz Curry Mango Sauce
Fruity, tangy and spicy, I get through at least one bottle of this per month, drowning everything from sausages to salad in it. I particularly like it mixed together with mayonnaise, tuna and onion and ladled onto a hot, oven-baked potato.

2. Chip Shop Curry
Unappetising in apperance given it's pooey-brown-with-a-hint-of-green colour, maybe it's nostalgia, but there's nothing better than chip shop curry turning your chips soggy. Of course this industrially manufactured flour-based mush bears little similarity to curry, but if you're lucky, you may find the odd raisin floating around to add a touch of the exotic. You can now buy Harry Ramsden's Chip Shop Curry Sauce for just 29p a sachet, saving you a trip to the local chippie. Just add water.

3. Sauce Bresil

When it comes to sauce, it's a photo-finish between the Brits and the Belgians. One of the best things about Belgian friteries other than, of course, their chips, is the variety of sauces on offer. Bri prefers the wildly spicy Samourai sauce (I can almost hear the advert: 'Samourai Sauce. Mayonnaise For Men.'), whilst I usually opt for Sauce Bresil, which I guess is not unlike Heinz Curry Mango.

4. Sauce Lapin
The Belgian version of my Mum's gravy with a twist: a spoonful of the treacle-like Sirop de Liege is added to give a sweeter and richer flavour. No rabbits were harmed in the making of this sauce.

5. Horseradish Sauce
The culinary equivalent of Vicks Vapour Rub, this sharp and powerful sauce has a huge kick and clears out your sinuses a treat. Horseradish is from the same plant family as wasabi which should also be handled with care.

Just What I've Always Wanted

Last week, for the first time ever: I wore a Bumpit.
I am a sucker for novelty items and the first person to be drawn in by a new product claiming to be the answer to all health and beauty dilemmas. Only very recently I spent a ridiculous 8 Euros on a miracle cold sore cure which has now left me with a huge branflake in the corner of my mouth.

On a recent trip to my hometown of St Helens, my Mum caught me in the act of falling hook line and sinker for a video in Boots the Chemist promoting a revolutionary big hair product: the Bumpit. Before I squandered the £3.99 that was already half way into the hands of the cashier, my shrewd Mother informed me that the same item could be acquired from Poundland for, you guessed it, a cinch at just a quid.

Since my teenage years, I have not been very experimental with my hair. Maybe I have been scarred for life by the hideous orange spiky mushroom 'do that I had at the tender age of 14, leading me to abscond from school after enduring the
contemptuous shrieks of my fellow schoolies. I think I have also fallen into the trap of playing it safe; my hair doesn't look good long and it doesn't suit me short, so chin-length it is, with the occasional dramatic angle that keeps me from being too boring. However, in the back of my mind, I was born in the wrong era and I hanker after the days when women
painstainkingly teased their hair into fabulous beehives. I guess I have never been the same since I first saw the retro chic of Mari Wilson on Top of the Pops and will never fail to admire and envy the Bardot bouffant. On the occasion of my brother's wedding, I went the whole hog and spent the morning with my Mum's hairdresser as he coaxed my locks up into a beehive which has gone down in history at that particular establishment as being "fuckin' massive". The whole thing didn't budge for a matter of days and the CEO of Insette has now retired to the Bahamas from the proceeds of that appointment alone.

The Bumpit is a banana-shaped plastic article with teeth around the edges. The idea is to grab a section of hair, push it up with the Bumpit and then smooth it down over the top, spraying into place. Amazingly, with just a few trial runs, I managed to achieve the desired effect and it was eat your heart out Amy Winehouse. Surprisingly, the Bumpit manages to stay relatively secure and the style sleek. The amount of hairspray applied is key ("fuckin' massive") as is your planned evening activities: a night moshing on the dancefloor will have you rooting down the back of your frock for the Bumpit and would-be djettes should note that headphones are not the best accompaniment.

Mari Wilson: 80s retro icon and beekeeper...

....Massive.

Would I try it again?: Well I guess I need to get my money's worth from that quid...